A dad is a mom with a penis

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Since I became a mom, every time I show up somewhere without the kids (especially at the beginning, when Oliver was a baby and then when Emily arrived), the first question people ask me is, “Who did you leave the kids with?”.

What do you mean, “Who did I leave the kids with?”. With their father, of course. If my husband is not with me, then he’s with the kids: it’s pretty obvious to me.

Well, apparently it’s not. I don’t know if it’s only here in Spain (I haven’t been a mother anywhere else), but there’s this silent belief that the father can’t take care of the children by himself. That he can’t get his babies to stop crying. That he can’t change a poop nappy. That he can’t put his children to sleep on his own.

Well, all I can say is: that is 150% NOT true.

A dad is a mom with a penis. He can do whatever a mom can do. He can stand whatever she can stand. He can parent solo if put in the spot.

Sure, there are families and families, and each reality is different. But in my experience, behind a dad who can’t parent solo, there’s always a mom who doesn’t let him.

A mom who tells him off if he does things his way—dads always do things their way, but they get them done nonetheless. 

A mom who takes the crying baby from his arms, because she doesn’t believe he’s capable of calming him down—dads are always capable, and sometimes better than moms.

A mom who does everything for the family and then complains that daddy doesn’t do anything—if a dad has everything done for him, he will gladly accept his privileged position… who wouldn’t?

In my family, mom and dad do everything 50/50 and we both can do everything 100%.

There’s nothing Alex can’t do—ok, maybe breastfeeding for obvious body limitations, but even without a boob he can put the babies to sleep and avert crisis when I’m away. This has been scientifically proven.

There’s nothing I can’t do—ok, maybe cooking, because Alex is the designated cook of the family, but even without cooking I can keep my children alive for any amount of time. This, too, has been scientifically proven.

I will always remember Alex’s words when I once asked him, “Are you sure you can do it on your own?”. I was leaving him alone for the first time in the evening with 2-month-old Oliver to go back to my dance classes. All he said was, “Of course I can do it. I’m his dad”.

I’M HIS DAD. I love this man for being the way he is—fine, maybe Alex is a natural, because he grew up without a mom, so daddy doing everything is normal to him. But that’s not the point.

The point is: that is the right attitude! ANY DAD can do what a mom does if they put their mind to it—or if they’re put in the spot.

I’m his dad. This is the attitude I’d like every dad to have. 

I can do every “mommy thing” my wife does. This is the pride I’d like every dad to feel.

I can put my kids to sleep. This is the confidence I’d like every dad to develop.

I can change my kid’s poop nappy, and *even* get my hands dirty. This is the size of the balls I’d like any dad to grow.

So, this last message is for you, dads.

You will never ever “mom” as well as a mom would (we’re simply awesome, sorry!), but you can surely come a close second. Gain it and what it with pride! And the next time your wife wants to take your crying baby from your arms or questions your ability to do kid-related things on your own, let that ego of yours kick in, stand your ground, smile and tell her, “Don’t worry, I can do it. I’m his dad!”.


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The woman behind the words

My name is Carlotta, I’m 33 years old, I’m Italian, married to a Finnish guy, and together we raise Oliver (4) and Emily (2) Montessori and multilingual. We’re selling everything to travel the world.

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  1. Ciao, non sono semplicemente d’ccordo. Di più, mooolto di più.
    Sono Papà di due bambini e faccio tutto quello che fa mia moglie e anche più.
    I bambini, per esigenze di mia moglie e con piacere mio, passano più tempo con me che con la madre. Mia moglie li ha allattati al seno, ma io ho preteso di pareggiare i conti diventando l’addetto quasi esclusivo al biberon. Fortunatamente mia moglie capisce e non ostacola questa mia “esigenza” di essere genitore, ma ammetto che spesso mi sento frustrato dal fatto che vengo solitamente preso per un “mammo”. Sono un Papà!!(lo ripeto fin troppo spesso). Aggiungo, che questa cosa è spesso vista male. è uno sguardo diffidente che mi sono sentito addosso da quando è nata la mia prima bambina(colei che mi ha stampato un sorriso da ebere in faccia). E vi lascio solo immaginare quanto possa essere irritante vedere una sconosciuta darmi dei futili e spesso errati consigli non richiesti e dettati dalla presunzione di sapersi prendere cura dei miei figli meglio di me semplicemente perchè “ho il pene”. Ora scusate, ma torno a cucinare ed a giocare con i miei bambini in attesa che torni anche la mamma per cenare tutti assieme.

    • Carlotta - April 18, 2019

      Evviva Antonio, bello bello bello questo commento! E ancora più bello sentire tutto questo da un papà! Bravi tu, brava tua moglie e bravi a tutti e due per far funzionare una decisione “contro corrente” con un lavoro di squadra. Grazie per aver condiviso la tua esperienza e la tua frustrazione e benvenuto alla comunità di papà e mamme de La Tela!

      Ps. Se ti può rincuorare, i consigli non richiesti di sconosciute penso esistano in tutto il mondo è in tutte le comunità, purtroppo. Ma come dici tu, sono spesso errati perché nessuno conosce meglio di un padre o di una madre gli equilibri famigliari e I propri figli. Grazie ancora per aver condiviso e viva le famiglie 50/50!!!


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