La Tela di Carlotta
it en es

Expressing ourselves in a positive way to improve communication

Feb 14, 2018

Our way of expressing ourselves greatly influences how we relate to others, whether they are children, teenagers or adults, specifically in the following situations:

  • When we want to ask someone to do something.
  • When we want to remind someone of a norm or limit.
  • When we want to let somebody know that we don't like what they're doing.

These situations occur many times a day, especially when dealing with children. And our way of expressing ourselves greatly influences the response we will receive from the other person.

This has a lot to do with assertive communication. Assertiveness is the skill of expressing our point of view in a clear and totally respectful way. For example: My 4 year old boy wants to go to the park, but his toys are all over the floor in his bedroom. I can talk to him in several ways:

“As you do not tidy up your toys, you won’t go to the park”

“We won’t go to the park until you tidy up your toys”

“We will go to the park as soon as you finish tidying up your toys”

Which of these sentences sounds better to you? If someone said them to you, which one would encourage you to tidy up your toys willingly? The simple fact of choosing one or the other of these sentences can make the difference between an effective communication and a power struggle (and as you’ve surely experienced in your life, power struggles do not lead to anything good… in the end, nobody wins).

It’s not a secret that we are more inclined to do something we’re asked to if we perceive it in a positive way, without aggressiveness or threats.

The hard part is to put it into practice on a day-to-day basis, because it means “unlearning” sentences and ways of expressing ourselves that are deep-rooted in ourselves from our own childhood, and replace them with more positive expressions. Practice is key, at first it’s hard to find a way to say a certain sentence in a positive way, but when you get used to it, eventually it’ll feel like second nature.

To make it easier for you, here’s 10 common expressions and their more positive versions. You don’t have to use these sentences, they are simply examples to give you inspiration to then create your own positive expressions 😉

  • Tidy up your toys so we can go to the park → We're going to the park as soon as you tidy up your toys
  • Give me your hand to cross the street → We can cross the street when you give me your hand
  • Please don't interrupt your sister. I can't hear if you both talk at the same time → I will be very happy to listen to you when your sister finishes talking
  • If you are not quiet I won't read the book → I will start reading the book when there is silence
  • Stop bothering your brother or I'll send you to your room → If we want to be here all together we must respect each other
  • Please don't shout → I listen to people who don't shout
  • I don't allow you to talk to me like this → We can continue this conversation when there is respect on both sides
  • You don't go out without a jacket → You can go outside when you put on a jacket
  • You can't play if you don't respect the rules → I order to play this game, we all have to respect the rules
  • Listen to me, I have to tell you something important → I have to tell you something important, I'll do it when you listen to me

Something that usually works very well is to think about what situations require this kind of sentences and practice the positive versions we want to start using. If we have already “rehearsed”, it will be easier to have that new expression ready when we need to use in the heat of the moment.

The challenge I suggest for this month is to replace the expressions that you use regularly with your children and that you feel that neither work nor make you feel good, and instead express them in a more positive, effective and respectful way. I encourage you to try it not only with your children, but also with adults, it has no age! 🙂


This is a translation of a post by Cristina from Montessori en Casa that I loved and found very helpful.

It’s difficult for a parent to implement it in their daily life, but in my experience with Oliver so far, I’ve noticed many times what a huge difference it makes to express requests in a positive way. It not only helps avoiding power struggles (which you never ever win with a toddler), but it also helps keeping everybody in a good mood and getting things done. I hope it’ll help you too.

Tell me what you think

Did you like it? Do you agree or disagree? I'd love to hear from you.

I think you'll like these

The blog

I write mainly about Montessori, parenthood, and multilingualism. Here are some recent posts.

Montessori
One day a few years ago my husband came home and said, "Why don't we put a mattress on the floor in the baby room? It'd be much more natural". "Never" was my reply. That's how our Montessori journey started. Since then we've been living, breathing and applying the philosophy at home day in and day out, starting from ourselves. Because educating children starts from the parents.
Bean and seed mosaic
I'm not perfect. I'm aware
DIY yoga cards for kids
Children at the restaurant: let's recalibrate expectations
Don't ask your children to share their toys
Those "good job" that erode our children's confidence
Our Montessori birthday
Two alternatives to screens that my kids love
Using fear and threats to control children is never right!
"Stop crying!" doesn't work
Living sustainably
Living sustainably for me doesn’t only mean to have a more eco-friendly lifestyle. It means to make decisions that are sustainable for our planet, the people on it, but also for our life, our lifestyle, and our happiness. It means to take any daily chance to evolve and be happier, healthier, kinder, more responsible and more caring human beings—the only sustainable way for a meaningful future.
Face yoga is an act of self love
Why you should wear the same outfit twice on Instagram
The power of creating habits (and why you should do it, even if you then break them!)
Responsible eating is the diet of the future (Would you like to teach it to your kids?)
The power of NOT complaining: can you do it for a whole month?
Clean up your planet, please!
Infographic: 8 steps to switch to cloth nappies (a guide for reluctant parents)
A personal note on happiness
A personal note on social media
A change of life always widens your horizons
New to La Tela?
I’ve prepared collections on various topics that I’ve written over the years. Perhaps you’ll find one that interests you.

Travel

We sold everything to travel the world for two years. We're currently in New Zealand.

Books

In 2020 I wrote 4 books for the Italian collection “Gioca and Impara con il metodo Montessori” curated by Grazia Honegger Fresco. The collection is a project by Il Corriere della Sera and La Gazzetta dello Sport.

We also implemented the workshops of the last 15 volumes of the collection with Oliver and Emily.

Podcast

On my podcast, “Educare con calma”, I talk about various topics, from Montessori to sustainability. Only in Italian!

Oct 16, 2020 • 19m
La nostra routine con i bimbi
Mi chiedete spessissimo quale sia la nostra routine a casa con i bimbi e in questo episodio vi svelo che noi, una routine vera e propria, non ce l'abbiamo. Abbiamo una routine minima e indispensabile, che è un concetto che mi sono totalmente inventata su due piedi mentre parlavo a briglia sciolta in questo episodio, ma che credo funzioni davvero. Almeno per noi. La routine minima e indispensabile, secondo me, risponde anche a un altro "problema": trovo che ci bombardino spesso con l'idea del...
11
Oct 9, 2020 • 24m
Sostenibilità: come sensibilizzare i bambini e i giovani adulti | Con Cristiana Cerri Gambarelli
In questa puntata a due voci di Educare con Calma – divisa a metà perché amo gli episodi corti - parliamo di sostenibilità e per farlo ho invitato mia sorella, Cristiana Cerri Gambarelli, project manager della Federazione dei Giovani Verdi Europei e un esempio per chiunque voglia intraprendere un viaggio nella sostenibilità: negli ultimi ha cambiato tutta la sua vita per ridurre la sua impronta di carbonio e per prendere ogni giorno decisioni più sostenibili per il nostro pianeta e in questa ...
10
Oct 2, 2020 • 24m
Intraprendere un viaggio nella sostenibilità | Con Cristiana Cerri Gambarelli
In questa puntata a due voci di Educare con Calma – divisa a metà perché amo gli episodi corti - parliamo di sostenibilità e per farlo ho invitato mia sorella, Cristiana Cerri Gambarelli, project manager della Federazione dei Giovani Verdi Europei e un esempio per chiunque voglia intraprendere un viaggio nella sostenibilità: negli ultimi ha cambiato tutta la sua vita per ridurre la sua impronta di carbonio e per prendere ogni giorno decisioni più sostenibili per il nostro pianeta e in questa ...
9

Instagram

I update Instagram almost every day to be "close" to my family far away.

Why La Tela di Carlotta?
I dreamed of the name La Tela di Carlotta. One morning I woke up and in my dreams I had created a blog named just like the American novel (Charlotte's Web). Many years and endless ups and downs later, this web of thoughts and stories is my work. It took me a long time to understand what kind of online presence I wanted and today I know: I'm transparent, I show real life, I don't advertise, I only recommend sustainable brands (and not only because they pay me) and I believe in the value of my blog and my courses—because if we don't believe in the value of our work, no one will believe in it for us.
Carlotta
Carlotta dreaming of La Tela
I know! I don't want it to be over yet either.