La Tela di Carlotta
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I’m not ready to let him go (or "when you get your period back")

Feb 18, 2016

I had a whole different post planned today, but this morning I woke up and something happened that I really wasn’t ready for. After 611 days, of which 277 of pregnancy and 342 of raising our beautiful baby boy, I got my period back. It’s like my hormones finally figured themselves out, and boom! I’m back to normal. Suddenly it all made sense: my feeling more overwhelmed than usual when thinking about problems and looking for solutions, my lack of energy in dance classes, the unusual tiredness when waking up in the morning even after sleeping well, and this general feel of exhaustion of the past few days.

I knew it was going to happen, and I know it could have happened before, but for some reason I thought it would take longer. I thought I would have more time to… well, I don’t know, I just thought I’d have more time. And I apologise in advance if this post is not going to make much sense or be as useful as others I wrote, but the only way I know to handle sadness is to write it out.

I used to be a very emotional person, but living with a highly rational one for nine years has changed me greatly. So even now I can rationalise. I know it’s just those same mischievous hormones taking control of my emotions all over again, tearing up my eyes and making me feel breathless right now.

I can rationalise. I know that I should be happy because now monkey number two is suddenly a real possibility.

I can rationalise. I know that my feeling paradoxically sad and illogically vulnerable since Oliver started sleeping well is just due to not breastfeeding him at night anymore. I miss it.

I can rationalise. I know that this sense of mental discomfort is probably linked to the irrational fear of running out of milk now that Oliver is eating well and breastfeeding less during the day.

I can rationalise. I perfectly know that not having milk or running out of it is a myth, that my body will adjust to the change (and has already adjusted) and I’ll have enough milk for Oliver for as long as he needs/wants it.

I can rationalise. I know many women go through depression when they’re breastfeeding or weaning and I’m pretty sure this is not it.

So yes, I can rationalise. But on days like this, maybe I just don’t want to. Maybe I just want to feel the sadness; I want to allow myself to be sad because my little baby is already growing up and what I cherish most in the world—that sweet sigh when he takes the breast, that unique and special connection between us—is inevitably coming to an end, sooner or later. I want to allow myself to feel sad because he’s soon going to need me just a little bit less. And for the first time today, I understand how difficult it will be to actually achieve that maturity in motherhood that this mum was talking about in her notes on how to grow a son.

Today’s tears—irrational and eye-opening at the same time—washed out all the nonsense.

I spent the last three weeks looking for a nursery and babysitters, so I could continue my job and also have some time to myself—for a haircut, a run, my blog. Today I finally understood why it was taking so long. I’m just not ready to let my baby go. Maybe it’s not mature nor rational—we hopefully have a lifetime together and all the best is yet to come—it’s probably selfish, but it’s what it is. Not. Ready. To let him go.

In the past five months, Oliver started crawling, then he started walking; he tried lots of new foods and now eats almost more than I do; he started shaking his head to say no, pointing, sorting objects in his own way, giving us affection, missing us, and a million other mind-blowing things that just happened. One day, out of the blue. He’s learnt all this and more, all by himself. In just five months. I was here every step of the way to witness all this incredible change and imprint it all in my mind and (sometimes) on camera. Yet, today, it still hit me hard: I’ll never, ever, ever get this time back, he’ll be 11 months, 12 months, and every month after that only once in our lifetime.

Maybe in a week, or a month or as soon as this hormone storm clears out, I might be dreaming about haircuts and free time again, but right this moment, I just wanna hold him tight and never let him go. And you know what? That’s exactly what I’m going to do.

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The blog

I write mainly about Montessori, parenthood, and multilingualism. Here are some recent posts.

Montessori
One day a few years ago my husband came home and said, "Why don't we put a mattress on the floor in the baby room? It'd be much more natural". "Never" was my reply. That's how our Montessori journey started. Since then we've been living, breathing and applying the philosophy at home day in and day out, starting from ourselves. Because educating children starts from the parents.
An example of how I practice empathy with my kids
How I show empathy to my children
Happy 4th birthday, Emily
Montessori New Year's tradition
Montessori Peace table
Audiobooks of real-life stories for kids
10k on Instagram!
Terrible twos
The organs of the body: workshop for kids
Kids understand if you give them honesty
Living sustainably
Living sustainably for me doesn’t only mean to have a more eco-friendly lifestyle. It means to make decisions that are sustainable for our planet, the people on it, but also for our life, our lifestyle, and our happiness. It means to take any daily chance to evolve and be happier, healthier, kinder, more responsible and more caring human beings—the only sustainable way for a meaningful future.
Face yoga is an act of self love
Why you should wear the same outfit twice on Instagram
The power of creating habits (and why you should do it, even if you then break them!)
Responsible eating is the diet of the future (Would you like to teach it to your kids?)
The power of NOT complaining: can you do it for a whole month?
Clean up your planet, please!
Infographic: 8 steps to switch to cloth nappies (a guide for reluctant parents)
A personal note on happiness
A personal note on social media
A change of life always widens your horizons
New to La Tela?
I’ve prepared collections on various topics that I’ve written over the years. Perhaps you’ll find one that interests you.

Travel

We sold everything to travel the world for two years. We're currently in New Zealand.

Books

In 2020 I wrote 4 books for the Italian collection “Gioca and Impara con il metodo Montessori” curated by Grazia Honegger Fresco. The collection is a project by Il Corriere della Sera and La Gazzetta dello Sport.

We also implemented the workshops of the last 15 volumes of the collection with Oliver and Emily.

Podcast

On my podcast, “Educare con calma”, I talk about various topics, from Montessori to sustainability. Only in Italian!

Jan 15, 2021 • 20m
Come "montessorizzare" la casa per dare indipendenza ai bambini
In questo episodio di Educare con Calma parliamo di come offrire indipendenza in casa attraverso l'ambiente. Vi parlo dell'importanza dell'ambiente (anche nelle scuole Montessori), di quanto sia importante apportare piccoli cambiamenti in casa per dare più indipendenza ai bambini, e anche di come purtroppo questo non sia sufficiente… Questo tema è uno dei primi che avevo in mente di trattare sul podcast… meglio tardi che mai! 🌸 -- Come appoggiare il podcast: Io non faccio pubblicità e non acc...
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Jan 13, 2021 • 05m
Montessori in 5': Un metodo per smettere di criticare
Ho deciso di creare una piccola rubrica sul podcast in cui vi parlo di Montessori, educazione consapevole, disciplina dolce, disciplina positiva (chiamatela come volete, io la chiamo "educazione a lungo termine" 😉) e in ogni episodio tratto un tema in soli 5 minuti. In questo primo episodio vi suggerisco un metodo (infallibile) per smettere di criticare continuamente i nostri figli (a voi piacerebbe sentirvi sempre criticati e corretti?). L'episodio è nato da questa riflessione che ho fatto s...
24
Jan 8, 2021 • 31m
Viaggiare a tempo pieno: domande e risposte
In questo episodio di Educare con Calma rispondo alle vostre domande (più ripetute) sul nostro stile di vita di viaggiatori a tempo pieno: perché lo abbiamo scelto, come ci manteniamo, come permettiamo lo sviluppo sociale dei bambini e molto di più. Vi lascio anche alcuni articoli relazionati a ciò di cui parlo nell'episodio: I bambini devono uscire dalla propria zona di comfort  Vuoi un cambiamento nella tua vita? Trova la grotta! Se ti va, lasciami un commento sotto gli articoli per farmi s...
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Instagram

I update Instagram almost every day to be "close" to my family far away.

Why La Tela di Carlotta?
I dreamed of the name La Tela di Carlotta. One morning I woke up and in my dreams I had created a blog named just like the American novel (Charlotte's Web). Many years and endless ups and downs later, this web of thoughts and stories is my work. It took me a long time to understand what kind of online presence I wanted and today I know: I'm transparent, I show real life, I don't advertise, I only recommend sustainable brands (and not only because they pay me) and I believe in the value of my blog and my courses—because if we don't believe in the value of our work, no one will believe in it for us.
Carlotta
Carlotta dreaming of La Tela
I know! I don't want it to be over yet either.