La Tela di Carlotta
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The challenges of raising multilingual children

Jul 11, 2016

I’m not sure I mentioned before that we’re raising Oliver trilingual (the country we live in will take care of the fourth language, Spanish). I’m Italian, Alex is Finnish, we speak English together, so these are the three languages we’re teaching Oliver at home.

And no, we’re not overachievers, we just happen to have a mix of cultures in our household and thought it’d be a shame to let it go to waste.

But in these 15 months since Oliver was born, I realised that trilingualism does not come easily. Adjusting was actually quite difficult at the beginning and, even though we’re now more conformable with our language arrangement, I’m sure it’ll get more challenging as Oliver grows up.

I don’t yet have a magic formula for how to raise your children trilingual—maybe I will in a few more years of parenting and after two children—but I’d like to share with you the challenges that this decision has brought with it.

When you don't feel like yourself

I lived the past 10 years in English—my private, professional and social life in mostly in English. I speak, write, think, and dream in English. English is the language I feel more mine, how I feel more comfortable to express myself, how I get through to people the best. English is what I spontaneously spoke to Oliver when he was still in the belly.

That’s why when Oliver was born, switching to Italian  wasn’t easy. It felt strange, unfamiliar—which is not nice when speaking to your own son. I didn’t like it, but I didn’t give up, I kept speaking to him in Italian and correcting myself when sentences spontaneously came out of my mouth in English (which happened a lot at the beginning).

Today it feels less of a challenge when I’m alone with him, but I still find myself switching to English when I’m in my thoughts, when I sing to him (songs are just so much better in English!) or when I run out of patience ;-)

When your native language is almost long lost

If it was hard for me, I can’t even imagine what a challenge it has been for Alex. He doesn’t speak his native language as often as I do, and when I hear him speak on the phone he replaces lots of words with their English version. Finnish feels more like a foreign language to him. But against all odds—”why would I teach such a useless language to my children?”—he got on board and is teaching Finnish to Oliver.

I love how much Oliver already understands in both Italian and Finnish—and how much I’m learning, too! And funnily enough, his number one word theses days is “anna” which means “give” in Finnish!

When they have a secret language

The other day I was speaking to a Canadian friend, married to a Swedish woman and father of two girls. He was complaining about how much he misses out of his daughters’ conversations as they speak the language they’ve been most exposed to, Swedish. Which he doesn’t understand.

That made me realise Alex will always have a secret language with our children. He speaks fluent Italian (he’s just that amazing with languages!), but I’ll never ever speak Finnish to the level of being able to follow a conversation. Will their special bond ”bother” me in the future?

When your friends don't understand what you say

This is a tricky one for me. Most of my friends are English (or speak English) and we spend lots of time together as our children are about the same age. I make the conscious effort to speak to Oliver in Italian at all time, but sometimes I just want to say things to Oliver that my friends can understand, too. Typical sentences like “Tell Marisa how much you ate today!” or “Ask uncle Arto when they’re coming to visit” are for the adults, not the children. If the adults can’t understand, then what’s the point?

Right now, it’s not an issue if I speak English here and there as Oliver is still in a phase when words and languages are all mixed up in his mind, but when he’s more aware of languages, I might have to be more careful: in my experience of teaching English to children, I learnt that one of the most important things is to be consistent with the language you use (the best young students were the ones who thought I spoke only English).

Addressing Oliver in Italian most of the time and in English once in a while might not create any problem, but it might just as well confuse him greatly. Which makes the next point even trickier.

When you speak a third language in the house

My husband and I speak English and we speak English to our dog (which might sound funny, but it’s hard to change!). This means that when we’re all together we sometimes address Oliver in English—it’s inevitable.

In my experience as a language teacher, this might become a problem when Oliver realises the language mummy and daddy speak is English: he might want to switch to it, rejecting the other two… “so I feel part of the family”. Or when he realises I don’t understand Finnish, he might prefer Italian and English over his dad’s language… “so they both understand me”.


But I believe all these challenges are part of the multilingual game and it’s also what fascinates me about language learning: nobody learns the same way. I’m confident that—even if we sometimes don’t follow the rules of the game strictly—Oliver will be native in at least four languages.

I still have very few answers as our path to multilingualism is only at the beginning. But I’d be curious to hear your experience, even you don’t have children. Are you or your children multilingual? Have you experienced similar challenges? Or different ones? When teaching your child your native language, have you followed the “rules of the game” or have you improvised? How did it work for you?

Tell me what you think

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The blog

I write mainly about Montessori, parenthood, and multilingualism. Here are some recent posts.

Mums, dads & kids
We don't know how to be parents, we learn it everyday as we go. This is my way of motherhood, the small victories and the bitter defeats, my inconvenient truths and the endless life lessons. And also all the baby products and toys we love the most.
How to leave the playground without power struggles
This is life
Audiobooks of real-life stories for kids
Let's not project our insecurities onto our kids
Question authorities
Parents need to be constructively selfish
One more step towards self-acceptance
When you think your marriage is over after kids.
Alex
We forgot our 10-year wedding anniversary!
Montessori
One day a few years ago my husband came home and said, "Why don't we put a mattress on the floor in the baby room? It'd be much more natural". "Never" was my reply. That's how our Montessori journey started. Since then we've been living, breathing and applying the philosophy at home day in and day out, starting from ourselves. Because educating children starts from the parents.
Montessori express: change the sentences into positive
Montessori express: everything is NOT fine
My baby cries desperately in the car (15 months)
Take care of the mother behind the woman
Montessori express: ask instead of correcting
Montessori express: describe instead of criticising
An example of how I practice empathy with my kids
How I show empathy to my children
Happy 4th birthday, Emily
Montessori New Year's tradition
Living sustainably
Living sustainably for me doesn’t only mean to have a more eco-friendly lifestyle. It means to make decisions that are sustainable for our planet, the people on it, but also for our life, our lifestyle, and our happiness. It means to take any daily chance to evolve and be happier, healthier, kinder, more responsible and more caring human beings—the only sustainable way for a meaningful future.
Face yoga is an act of self love
Why you should wear the same outfit twice on Instagram
The power of creating habits (and why you should do it, even if you then break them!)
Responsible eating is the diet of the future (Would you like to teach it to your kids?)
The power of NOT complaining: can you do it for a whole month?
Clean up your planet, please!
Infographic: 8 steps to switch to cloth nappies (a guide for reluctant parents)
A personal note on happiness
A personal note on social media
A change of life always widens your horizons
New to La Tela?
I’ve prepared collections on various topics that I’ve written over the years. Perhaps you’ll find one that interests you.

Travel

We sold everything to travel the world for two years. We're currently in New Zealand.

Books

In 2020 I wrote 4 books for the Italian collection “Gioca and Impara con il metodo Montessori” curated by Grazia Honegger Fresco. The collection is a project by Il Corriere della Sera and La Gazzetta dello Sport.

We also implemented the workshops of the last 15 volumes of the collection with Oliver and Emily.

Instagram

I update Instagram almost every day to be "close" to my family far away.

Why La Tela di Carlotta?
I dreamed of the name La Tela di Carlotta. One morning I woke up and in my dreams I had created a blog named just like the American novel (Charlotte's Web). Many years and endless ups and downs later, this web of thoughts and stories is my work. It took me a long time to understand what kind of online presence I wanted and today I know: I'm transparent, I show real life, I don't advertise, I only recommend sustainable brands (and not only because they pay me) and I believe in the value of my blog and my courses—because if we don't believe in the value of our work, no one will believe in it for us.
Carlotta
Carlotta dreaming of La Tela
I know! I don't want it to be over yet either.